1 April 2009

Stronach To Commission 9 Solid Gold Statues Of Himself

In a surprising move Frank Stronach has conditionally commissioned erecting 9 statues of himself to be placed in front of each of the 9 racetracks troubled bankrupt company Magna Entertainment currently own.

The statues are to be 14 feet high made from solid gold. They will each weigh around 800 pounds. Stronach wants the statues to reflect the real him, so he will not be in a suit but in the clothes he normally wears around his house: a toga, sandals, and the thorny crown he traditionally wears while relaxing at home.

Asked how he will come up with the estimated $140 million to finance the statues, Stronach laughed hysterically at the idea that he would use his own money, instead he has put together a new company called Magna New and Improved Inc. He is working on getting a loan from Magna International to get company off the ground and to pay for the statues. "The loan from Magna should be no problem, after all, Magna is sort of in the metals business any way."

From there he expects to raise more money by going public with the new company, and then he expects to borrow money from banks and financial institutions so that he can buy many of the Magna Entertainment assets at what he calls "a real steal."

When asked about the practicality of erecting the statues Stronach said "in business you gotta spend money to make money."


In other news:

WOODBINE TO DROP TRACK TAKEOUT TO A 15% MAXIMUM
(Special to Cangamble)

Davey Willnut, head honcho at the Woodbine Interdicting Group announced today, that he is going to aggressively drop takeout rates for the 2009 Woodbine thoroughbred meet, when it starts at an unadvertised date sometimes this month.

"It finally hit me that we are not attracting new players," Willnut said, "our illegal collusive tactics just aren't working, we are not the only game in town anymore. Our feeble attempts to eliminate the competition has stopped working, we must compete now in order to grow."

"We've decided that we don't want to depend on mooch degenerate gamblers who just don't care about how ridiculously high are takeouts are," Willnut continued, "they only have limited bankrolls in most cases, and all we have done with our technological advancements is make it easier for these clowns to lose their gambling money in a much faster time."

"We've decided that win, place, and show bets will have a 12% takeout, while all other bets will be at 15%," said Willnut, "I'm sure we will not only get the gambling money from our regular client base, just at a slightly slower rate, but we will also attract many bettors who have left us for Betfair, for example. We will also probably attract many online poker bettors, now that we have made the game possibly beatable. We may even create a buzz amongst bettors who are actually making money or coming very close at least. They may start bringing their friends."

"I was ashamed and disgusted with myself when I read on the Cangamble blog, that Woodbine has the 7th highest track takeout out of 58 racetracks." Willnut when on, "I now consider myself a visionary. I will save horse racing with this initiative. My dad used to call me and my brother dumb and dumber. I'm going to rectify the dumb part of his statement, or was I the dumber...it doesn't matter now, because now I am smart."


"I realize dropping takeouts is a risk, but we ask our cherished loyal customers to take a risk every day when they bet on our product," said Willnut, "For instance, the other tracks out there may not play ball. They may make our product less appealing by ramping up the takeout on our product to much higher levels for their customers, like we do in many instances, or they might not show our signal anymore, like we did when Laurel reduced takeouts last year for 12 days. Many racetrack executives, I have to admit, don't give a rats ass about the betting public, and especially their own customers. They are such unscrupulous, arrogant, idiotic basturds."

Is Davey Willnut worried? "I'm pretty confident our bottom line will increase dramatically from here, but just in case, I'm not going to buy anymore new expensive suits until I know for sure."



FDA Warns of New Disease: Mad Trainer Disease
It seems a newly detected untreatable disease has hit the racing world. Mad Trainer Disease or MTD. It is very prevalent amongst high percentage trainers. The early symptoms are an inflated ego, a certain smugness, and an evasiveness when it comes to hard hitting media questions.

Lab scientists speculate that the cause of the disease is from sharing needles with horses.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Brilliant!!!

Anonymous said...

Love it!

If Only...............

Anonymous said...

It's so funny because it's plausible

Scott Ferguson said...

nice one, I'll add you to my list of today's pranks.

Anonymous said...

I hate to correct you on the spelling but it it dickhead WILLKNOTS they are much harder to cut loose than WILLNUTS