1 April 2013

Wynne Announces Reinstatement Of SARP

At 11:58 PM last night, Ontario Premier Kathleen Wynne called an impromptu press conference at her home porch. Dressed in pink bunny pajamas, complete with floppy bunny ears, Wynne announced that the Slots At Racetrack Program has been reinstated at all Ontario racetracks that are willing to accept a new split. Asked what the new split is, Wynne said it was not something she can discuss at this time, referring to the Ontario Liberal Party main platform: "Keep Ontarians in the dark as much as possible." She added, "we might have a conversation about the splits in the future, possibly sometime before 2017."

Upon hearing the news, the OLG released chair Paul Godfrey. OLG President and CEO Rod Phillips stated that Godfrey was pissing away money marketing dollars faster than a slots addict. Phillips also went on the record saying he has been a "little" deceitful when it comes to the OLG Modernization plans and the creation of more problem gamblers, "although only 2-3% of Ontarians are problem gamblers, they account for close to 50% of the slots revenue for the OLG."

Don't feel sorry for Godfrey though, he quickly applied for and got a job with organ grinder Guiseppe D'Angelo. D'Angelo, who works the corner of Dundas and Yonge was looking for a replacement for his recently retired monkey Gonzo. D'Angelo said that "Godfrey is perfect for the job as he is a natural when it comes to getting suckers to part with money, and the bright side is that I don't foresee myself having to scoop up after him either."

Happy April Fool's Day!

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